We’ve all been there: scrolling through an endless feed of “perfect” couples on vacation, feeling like our own lives don’t quite match the ones we see on social media. It’s exhausting. That’s when Brahma Kumaris’ Sister Shivani’s quote on love and relationships strikes a chord: “A strong relationship is one where you build each other up, not break each other down.”It sounds obvious, right? But in the heat of a Tuesday night argument or after a long day at work, it’s surprisingly easy to do the exact opposite with your partner. Let’s look at why this “simple” advice is actually the secret to not just surviving, but actually enjoying your relationship.
Why this matters right now
Sister Shivani doesn’t talk about grand romantic gestures. She talks about the small stuff—your mindset. In a world where we’re often taught to be “right” or to “win” an argument, she suggests a total shift: focus on encouragement instead of criticism.Think about the “micro-breaks” that happen in a day. The eye-rolls, the sarcastic “finally” when someone is late, or the subtle nitpicking. Those things feel small, but they’re like tiny cracks in a foundation.Science actually backs this up. The Gottman Institute—the gold standard for relationship research—found that the happiest couples have a 5:1 ratio. For every one negative interaction, there are five positive ones. When you’re constantly “building up,” you’re essentially filling a bank account of goodwill that helps you survive the occasional (and inevitable) rough patch.
Are you building up or breaking down?
It’s worth doing a quick “vibe check” on your partnership. You know you’re in a “build-up” relationship when:Your wins feel shared: If you get a promotion or finally hit a fitness goal, your partner is your loudest cheerleader, not a competitor.The “I told you so” is dead: When things go wrong, you look for solutions together instead of pointing fingers at who messed up.Vulnerability isn’t a risk: You can admit you’re struggling or that you’re scared without worrying it’ll be used against you later.On the flip side, “break-down” traps are sneaky. They look like “just joking” sarcasm that actually hurts, or bringing up a mistake from three years ago just to win a current fight. These don’t just hurt feelings; they erode the trust that keeps you together.
How to flip the script today
You don’t need a therapy session to start changing the energy. You can start with these three small shifts:The “Pause and Pivot”: When you’re about to complain (e.g., “You never do the dishes”), take a breath. Reframe it. “I’d really love it if we could get the kitchen cleared so we can relax tonight.” It’s the same goal, but a completely different energy.The 3-to-1 Rule: Try to give three genuine compliments or “thank yous” for every piece of feedback you give. A quick text saying, “I really appreciated you handling that call today,” goes a long way.Check-in over Coffee: Instead of scrolling your phones tomorrow morning, just ask: “What’s one thing I can do to support you this week?”
The big picture
Sister Shivani often mentions that how we treat others is a reflection of our own inner peace. Building someone else up isn’t just a gift to them; it’s a gift to yourself. When you create an environment of support, you get to live in that environment, too.Whether you’ve been together for ten days or ten years, remember that love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a series of choices. Today, choose to be the person who lifts the weight off your partner’s shoulders, rather than adding to it.So, what’s one small thing you can do to “build up” your person today? Give it a shot—you might be surprised how quickly the atmosphere changes.